Today was one of those days where the enormity of this whole frustrating year came crashing down around me. I’m not comfortable publishing all the details for the entire internet to see, but suffice it to say that when I tell you that I have little to no control here over anything, I mean little to no control. I found myself incredibly heartbroken, angry, and in tears, and with no where to go, not even in my house. (I can’t say my “own” house, because that is, actually, the problem, the space I live in is not my own, I can’t even control that much at the end of the day.) And because it was dark, I couldn’t even go on a walk to get some air, because it. is. not. safe.
So I sat outside under the street light, which was not, at all, comforting or cathartic, calling the two numbers I can always rely on to make me feel better. Or, failing that, at least loved.
1) My parents (saints that they are)
2) Raz, who is my rock on The Rock and hands down bestest bestie here
I’ve come to no conclusions, but I’m working things out slowly. Slowly. Here’s what I have so far:
It has been a really tough year. Not that Peace Corps is ever easy, but it has felt, alot, that in the past 12 months, I will get close to something good! So good! Be it work, or personal (and alot of my frustration in Jamaica is about things that have nothing to do with my assignment). And I will get excited! So excited! That it might get a little better, and I will feel that all of this energy that I am investing is starting to pay off. But then, right at the tipping point, it all collapses.
Lately, things with work have been a little better. Which is great, its wonderful, but is it enough? Other things are not getting better.
I don’t really get sexually harassed at site anymore, just at the school where I do literacy work. I’ve had to make the difficult choice not to return to school next year, because it is simply way too stressful to be constantly having to deal with high-school aged boys who are much bigger then I am, frequently, treating me with absolutely no respect and no regard for consequences, because there are none.
As for everything else, well, I don’t know. I had been thinking about extending for a third year, just to make up for this one, but I don’t think it’s a good idea, and I need to be focused on the here and now, and finding ways, if I can, to feel fulfilled and happy on a day to day basis. My parents, who, as I’ve said before, rock, have been incredibly supportive throughout all of this, and never once have made the suggestion that it might be time to reconsider my commitment. Until tonight. Which I think is absolutely true. Is it worth spending another year like this?
I’ve tried SO HARD to relax and not worry about the way things are going, that they’d work themselves out in time. My anxiety level’s have been so crazy-high that I’m on medication (which is making me fat! Adding one more thing I can’t control to the list). I’ve tried to work out my housing issues on my own, because all I wanted was to feel like I had SOME control over ONE LITTLE THING, and it couldn’t possibly be that difficult, and it has completely blown up in my face.
And at the end of all of this, it’s super hard to even say out loud that maybe this isn’t where I’m supposed to be? Maybe it is where I’m supposed to be, who knows, but if it’s not? This isn’t a commitment I take lightly, and the thought of admitting failure (whether it is or not, failure is what it will FEEL like) is nauseating. Do you put “one year of Peace Corps Service (early termination) on your resume? Just announce to future employers and grad school admissions officers “Hey there! I’m a quitter!”? Whether or not that’s how people see it, that is what it FEELS like. I FEEL like there is entirely too much FEELING of emotions lately.
And, perhaps on a slightly more juvenile note, if I were to leave early, I mean… (This feels really silly to even write down, but I’m going for broke here!) I FEEL (again, whether or not this is grounded in reality is up for debate, logic isn’t the issue here) when someone ET’s, there is maybe….a certain amount of…schaedenfruede? (I don’t know how to spell it, way too lazy to care). A general sense of “well, that will NEVER be me” tinged with a bit of envy that the recently departed will be soon basking in hot water. And maybe a little speculation about why they left. The sort of gossip that is inevitable in small groups like ours. We talk about each other alot anyways. I don’t want to add more to discuss over Red Stripes and Wray and Nephew. Stupid right? But there it is.
Ultimately, I really LOVE Jamaica, but the circumstances under which I am here are what are giving me fits. I cant just go out and earn more money when I’m low on funds. I can’t just go find another place to live. I can’t just go find another job. I can’t just go meet a nice guy. These days, I FEEL like all I control is what I eat for dinner. I’m 25 years old. I’d like to FEEL a little more in charge than that, you know?
